Tsumi
by Meimicchi
Summary: Spoilers for tankoubon five. Truly alone for the first time, Fin flutters off into the night sky, reflecting on her actions.


I've been planning to write this one for awhile...it's Fin-themed, and   
SPOILERS for chapters nineteen and up. If you've read up to tankoubon   
five, it's no suprise...but if you haven't, I doubt you'll have any   
idea what's going on, anyway. ^^;; Just the "Fin thing". The song is   
"Tsumi", by Ogata Megumi...and the scene is right after Fin meets Noin.  
R&R? ^^;  
added 4/10/01: and now revised and posted, thanks to Erin-chan's nagging. ^^;  
  
  
  
------------------  
Tsumi  
by Meimi  
meimi@time-stranger.net  
4/23/00 // revised 4/11/01  
  
----------  
the trembling night winds pass by with a whisper  
as if to blow out the flame in the depths of my heart  
i tried so badly to lie to myself  
yet all of those chains have turned to ashes and vanished  
----------  
  
Free.  
  
As I flutter out into the depths of the night, that's all I can think.  
  
I'm free.  
  
No more pretending...  
  
But it wasn't pretending, was it? That was what was so suprising about it. When I was there, I could act just like...nothing ever happened. I was the same as so long ago, when they were still...when Cecilia and Toki were-  
  
I could pretend none of that ever happened. I was just cute little Fin Fish, not quite a full angel, who was nothing but lovable and cute. Not a care in the world.  
  
Oh, God, was I that naive? That childish?  
  
But...I close my eyes, letting the evening breeze carry me upwards, as though to touch the tiny pinpricks of light that sparkle so distantly...  
  
It doesn't matter if that was pretending or not.  
  
Because now, I can just be...me.  
  
  
----------  
the one crying in the mirror is the past me  
the day when the smile of a child will return...shall never come  
----------  
  
And at the same time, I'm just as frightened as I am relieved. This night...it means that I can't turn back. The masquerade is finished, and...  
  
I have to really *act* like what I am, now.  
  
Unwanted.  
Banished.  
As good as dead.  
  
...but you cared.  
  
That scared me, too. I was more afraid of that than nearly anything else.  
  
Can't you see? Don't you *understand*?  
  
Don't you know what I am?  
  
You know- you should know better than anyone.  
  
People have died because of my selfishness- people you knew, cared for, loved as much as I did...  
  
*I've* killed.  
  
And still you reach out to me? To touch me, when my hands are so stained with blood?  
  
...there's something wrong with you.  
  
  
----------  
i don't care if i shatter  
as long as i crumble this feeling along with me  
if my sin pours down on me and me alone  
i'm sure the pounding rain outside is the storm within my heart  
there is no way to sink it  
i must continue praying  
this sin...  
----------  
  
That's why I couldn't- can't -get too close to you.   
  
Nothing...nothing could come of it. If everyone in heaven ever found out...found out that we were...you with a datenshi...oh, God...  
  
I care for you too much for you to meet the same fate as me. That's what frightens me the most.  
  
So please, realize why I'm doing all this...and turn back and give up, before it's too late. Before I hurt you like I did them, too.  
  
At least...now, I won't have to see you again. I can't stand it when we meet, because all I can do is push you away.  
  
I'm not the same Fin that left you behind that day on the trip to the Ningenkai. You have to understand that.  
  
See me for what I am- the Devil's advocate. Hateful, bringing nothing but pain to everyone...a backstabber...  
  
I touch my wet cheeks.  
  
I'm not crying. I haven't cried in a long time...I ran my tears dry long ago...I didn't even cry when I was stepping through that white-hot gate to oblivion.  
  
I can't now, not when it's such a good thing for me to have left you behind...for me to not have to hurt you, anymore...  
  
My shoulders are trembling from the sobs.  
  
I flutter higher still, trying to leave my troubles behind me as I soar higher...  
  
But they always follow.  
  
  
----------  
golden moonlight blurs with the dark night sky  
if the day of judgement comes, judge me and me alone  
there is no forgiveness, there can be no forgiveness  
i never turned back, i just kept on advancing  
on the road of sin  
----------  
  
And then, there still the matter of her.  
  
You know, Maron, you and I could have gotten along well- if not for the circumstances. We're alike in so many ways...unloved, rejected, unwanted...  
  
But...I can feel my lips curling upwards in a smile.  
  
I hate you.  
  
Probably because you *are* too much like me...and look at how much I hate myself.  
  
...as much as I hate to think it, you *have* been a comfort to me. You didn't know what I was, or what I'd done...you were content to let me live my lie, and gave me temporary peace...  
  
Well.  
  
It's not like I care, anymore. I doubt I'll ever need to see you ever again. I've broken your heart, probably beyond repair. Like I was supposed to.  
  
If not...if you somehow manage to make it through...I'll bide my time, waiting until the wounds on your heart seem to heal...letting your mask of a smile replace your tears.  
  
Let you build up that facade of strength.  
  
And then I'll break it down again.  
  
...how easily I speak of heartbreak, of killing off another's soul. My own must truly be dead, for me to not feel anything when thinking such things. Or maybe I just tell myself that I don't feel anything. Tell myself that I don't feel anything, as I plunge her into her sorrows and abandon her there to drown. Even though we are alike. Even though we share the same pains of hurting loved ones, and being rejected by them time and time again.  
  
  
Even though we're both alone.  
  
  
Even though, for just a short time, we were *together*.  
  
  
Because I can tell myself this...even my heart can live the lies, now.  
  
  
  
----------  
there was a way that i could have changed this misery, but...  
my soul silenced my wishful heart  
----------  
  
Wasn't it just a short while ago, that I was thinking about how *free* I felt?  
  
Why did I think such a thing?  
  
I'm still bound in the chains of lies, just as I was before.  
  
But all of that doesn't matter. The only thing that matters...is for me to please Devil-sama...  
  
I thought that Devil-sama was the only person who I could believe in...my only refuge.  
  
I'm wrong. I know it.  
  
If I were only brave enough...trusting enough...  
  
I come to a halt, staring up first at the shimmering full moon that fills up the sky...then at the city below...  
  
I could turn back, now. I could beg forgiveness.  
  
Both Maron- and *you*, as well, could accept me. Even as I am now.  
  
I know that.  
  
I could learn to love again.  
  
...but still.  
  
I can't turn back.  
  
I can't ask to be forgiven for the crimes that I haven't forgiven myself for yet.  
  
I can't let you love me. I can't hurt you like that, even if it means it kills me inside.  
  
But I can't keep up that facade of the past; of that innocent, child-like me that you loved. Wearing this mask has been my greatest joy since it all happened- in allowing myself to slip into the past, and letting myself love you again. Loving you behind the thin layer of anger. It's much too dangerous and hurtful for us both...as I love someone I can never exist with, and you love someone that doesn't exist anymore.  
  
I knew that.  
  
And that's why I told you all tonight:  
  
"Goodbye."  
  
  
----------  
i don't care if i get hurt, as long as i'm shredded by my heartache  
if my love hurts me and me alone  
even if the entire world's punishment were to pour down upon me  
even then, the day of forgiveness would never come...  
from my sin...  
----------  
  
...hey?  
  
Someday, I really might come back to you.  
  
I promised you, that day so long ago.  
  
So...if you don't believe my lies...and if you care for me so much as to not be fooled when I shove you away...  
  
If you'll manage to prove to me somehow that you're willing to hurt so much, just for a person like me...  
  
A person like me who doesn't deserve to be loved at all...  
  
Someday, I might be able to come back.  
  
I'll come back, and listen to what you wanted to tell me so long ago.  
  
...if I feel like it.  
  
  
  



End file.
